Together we stand
by ncis-lady
Summary: I don’t want this life to change, I don’t want me to change, and above all, I don’t want you to leave." Sam thinks about Dean's decision. one-shot, Sam's POV, after "Dream a little dream of me" and "Mystery Spot". NO wincest!


This is a one-shot, set after what happened in"Dream a little dream of me" and "Mystery Spot".

The lines in italic are original lines from different episodes and therefore belong to the respective owners of SPN, just like the fictional characters Sam and Dean Winchester. No copyright infridgement intended.

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**Together we stand**

_Sometimes, you just have to let people go._

So there you are. Smiling, laughing, flirting with that blonde chick at the counter. I told you to ask her about that man that disappeared, not about her phone number. I can already picture how this'll end up. You won't stop talking about her and tomorrow the only thing that's left of her will be her bra underneath the bed. That's how it always happens. This is the way it's supposed to be.

And despite my anger, I don't want it any other way.

I don't want this life to change, I don't want me to change, and above all, I don't want you to leave.

You don't remember what happened. You don't know about all the times I've watched you die, you don't have a clue about how I felt.

And then again, you do.

You know what it feels like to lose someone you need more badly than anything else. You know about the pain in your heart when you hold on to a lifeless body. And you know how it hurts when the despair crawls upon you because you can't find a way out of the nightmare you're suddenly caught in. You know it all.

And without you even noticing, I've finally understood.

When I realized what you had done, when the truth of what had happened in that fateful night struck me, something inside me broke. It didn't make any sense. You sacrificing your soul for me, it wasn't right, it wasn't meant to be. You had given your life for me, and this one gift I didn't want to accept. But I wasn't even asked. It was already said and done before I could make a decision. And probably that hurt the most. Knowing that you would leave, so that I could stay. How on earth should I deserve this?

"What's dead should stay dead", that's what you used to say. And suddenly you changed your mind, and I had to deal with the consequences. The consequence called life.

My life that I had lost, my life that I had regained for the ultimate price. Your soul. How do you think I can live with that?

It's a burden I'm carrying on my shoulders, a weight that tries to push me down whenever I see you like that, like now. When I watch you living your life and hear the clock ticking mercilessly right behind your back. When I realize that this isn't meant to last forever.

You know, there was a time when I didn't even think we'd be brothers again. Like, real brothers. Not only connected by genes, but by heart. It was against the odds, and I bet you knew it as well as me when you suddenly reappeared in my life. But you didn't care then. You had nothing left to lose. And no matter how hard times were in the aftermath of that night, you coming back to me was one of the best things that happened in my life. It just took me a while to realize that.

And now I'm about to lose you forever. You'll go away, leave me behind in a world all by myself, with no one around of the people I used to love.

_It's not fair, and it hurts like hell, but it's worth it._

I just wish there was a reason for all this. I used to believe that everything made sense in the end, that somehow, everything happened for a reason. But I was wrong, and this one lesson I had to learn the hard way. No schoolbook could ever prepare me for it. It's the cruelty of death that teaches you the crucial facts about life: that nothing, and no one, is safe from evil. You know, there was a time when I tried to believe in some higher Good, I wanted to believe, I always did. When Jess died, I needed it more than ever. Some part of my mind, the one that still heard the distant laughter of the child this mind once belonged to, clung to the desperate belief that there might be something more, something that would make it worth after all. And now the laughter has faded, and there's nothing left I could believe in.

More than once I thought I'd lose you, but somehow we always made it through. I can see it all right in front of my eyes, I can still smell the sterile air in that hospital room, I hear the noise of the machines and see the lines on the monitor. Those lines that traced your heartbeat, a visualized lifeline, so strong and yet so fragile. I was scared. This wasn't you, you weren't supposed to look like that, to be like that. So pale, so weak. But I didn't lose you. What I didn't know about was the cost for your staying with me.

Was it too high? Was it worth the sacrifice Dad made? I can't tell you. And I tried so hard not to think about it, I tried to reassure you that it was right, when I didn't know myself if it really was. But you wouldn't believe me anyway. I could always see right through you, Dean, and when Dad was gone, I could see it in your eyes. Your pain, your suffering, your guilt. And there was nothing I could possibly do to erase it.

_For you and Dad, the things I'm willing to do or kill – it scares me sometimes._

You always tried so hard to protect us, no matter what might happen. And you pretended to be strong. But I know that inside, you were afraid. Just like you are now.

You're scared. You're my big brother, and somehow, I always drew strength and courage from you. It's what little brothers do, you know? We look up to the older one like we look up to our heroes from those old movies on TV, knowing that he, unlike the lonesome, noble cowboy on the screen, will not ride away into the sunset. He won't leave. He's not supposed to leave. And he's not supposed to be scared.

But what if life just doesn't care?

You always tried to be strong, and even now, you try to act like you don't mind. Like your future is nothing but the next challenge. The next big adventure.

Your eyes give away the lie in your brave words.

Throughout the years, we've built up walls around us, we needed them to find shelter from the terrible things we'd seen, and most willingly we hid behind them whenever we couldn't take it anymore. Cold, lifeless bricks that surrounded us, they gave us strength to the outside, but unnoticed by us, they slowly killed us inside. It's so easy to create these walls, and how hard it is to tear them down. Hard, maybe impossible.

But sometimes, fine cracks appear between the stones, almost invisible but they are there. It makes us vulnerable and weak.

It makes us human.

_There's no way out of this one. Not this time._

Time is running out right now, every breath I take is one breath less for you. Every beat of my heart leads directly to the end. And the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing but the hungry flames of hell.

I know you're afraid.

What will you do when the fierce heat steals your humanity? When there's nothing left of what you are today?

You won't cry. You won't beg for mercy. You'll fight, fight like you always do.

But you can't win this one. This battle had long been decided for you, in the very moment you traded your soul for my life in the dark of the crossroads. There's nothing you can do to get out of it. The fight's already done.

And still I know you won't give up. You will fight in despair until you fall to pieces.

You know it. So how can you accept it? How can you live with this knowledge? Cause I can't accept it. And I refuse to live knowing what will happen without doing anything. I won't do that.

Together we stand, united we fall. And whatever it takes, I won't let you down again. I will find a way. Even if this way sends me straight into the fire.

I won't leave you alone.

_I don't want to die. I don't want to go to Hell.  
Okay. We'll find a way to save you._


End file.
